How is Therapy Different than Talking to a Friend?

In a sense, therapy is a process of exploring your thoughts, feelings and inner world with someone you trust to compassionately listen and reflect some things you might have missed.

So, why not just "do therapy" with a friend?

I remember chatting once with a stranger on a coffeeshop patio, and it coming up in conversation that I'm a licensed therapist. The man began telling me excitedly about how he's pretty darn sure you can get the same benefits from talking to friends as you can from therapy; and if we would all just focus on building community, therapy wouldn't be needed at all.

He has a point.

If our daily relationships were/are healthy–as in, open, honest, reciprocal, brave, intentional, communicative and so on–and if we worked on them actively, committing to the cycle of rupture and repair therapists know so well to be the essence of a strong relational bond, maybe the therapy profession wouldn't be needed. Maybe one day it won't.

But for now, in today's world, well... while I appreciate his view from those rose-colored lenses, I maintain a different perspective:

Although talking to a friend is one of the most valuable things you can do (for "free"!), paying to talk with a therapist is still worth it.

Recently a good friend of mine shared with me similar thoughts as the stranger's, adding that paying for something it seems like you should be able to experience with someone you already know, for free, just feels weird.

Clearly, this is a common perspective. Before I became a therapist, I even heard a family member say bluntly, "Why would you pay just to talk to someone?"

So today I'm going to distill my perspective down to a few key points I know to be true, cognitively, experientially, personally and professionally.

And while it almost goes without saying, it's important that I say:

I'm biased! I earn my living by providing therapy. Yet I have also spent (and continue to spend) plenty of money for cash-pay (not-covered-by-insurance) therapy and trainings provided by therapists, to help keep me grounded, clear-headed, and at the top of my field.

You wouldn't trust a doctor who didn't go to one, would you?

So, without further ado:

How is Therapy Different Than Talking to a Friend?

A.K.A. Why Therapy is "Worth It."

1) Talking with a therapist is different than a friend, because therapists have extensive and ongoing training in therapy

Starting with the most obvious answer here's a quick and–don't say I didn't warn you–rather dry snapshot of a licensed therapist's educational journey, with some notes to kick us off:

Requirements for a license to provide therapy (which include LMFT, LCSW, LMHC, LPCC and others) vary from state to state (with California's standards not surprisingly among the most stringent); and evolve over time, to stay current.

When I completed my Marriage & Family Therapy License (named for its emphasis on supporting individuals in relationships. Read: All of us!) back in 2019, the requirements were as follows:

1. Attend and graduate from a 92 credit hour/3 year Psychotherapy Master's Program, consisting of didactic learning, experiential training (in which students swap roles as therapist/client); with some programs requiring individual therapy

2. Obtain 3000 clinical hours post-graduation, emphasizing client-facing hours and requiring weekly supervision to assess and review that your work is up to snuff

3. Sit for and pass a Law & Ethics board exam in the first year following graduation

4. Once the 3000 hours have been obtained, sit for and pass a board exam for licensure. If said hours are not complete within 6 years following graduation, the numbers reset and you begin again.

5. After earning your license, keep it "active" by adhering to Continuing Education requirements–including courses in Suicide Risk Assessment and Intervention, HIV/AIDs, Child Abuse Assessment and Reporting, Alcohol and Other Chemical Substances, plus more Law & Ethics–and by updating your license status every two years.

Phew! That's a lot of years and hours dedicated to mental health, wellness, and support for living a life you love, and in turn creating a kinder, safer, more sustainable world for us all.

And while sharing self-help/philosophy books, psychedelic journeys and deep intimate conversations are something some therapy and friendships may share, a therapist's training plus the therapy "container" (the time, space and agreements made around a therapy session) still makes the experience different.

2) Talking with a Therapist is Different than a Friend because Therapists are Objective! (Albeit still Human)

I'm sure you've noticed that when you share a pain point or problem with a friend or loved one, their tendency is often to jump in with advice, an opinion, or feelings of their own.

"You deserve better––leave him!"

"I think staying busy is the best way to deal with anxiety."

"It's so hard [for me] to watch you go through this."

While these well-intentioned responses have a time and place, therapy takes a different approach.

For one, therapy is not synonymous with advice. While I like to think this is common knowledge, I've heard enough people cross-reference the two that it bears saying again and again. Therapy is not advice, although it may include it.

Instead, rather than offering a slew of suggestions, therapy is about getting support while you work through and clear out whatever gets in the way of your OWN good advice.

It's like my first ever life-changing therapist Joan once told me, "Tessa, no one can have intuition about your life [and your choices] but YOU." Now that's a powerful perspective!

Of course (nothing being black and white), as I said, therapy does sometimes include advice. But it's best delivered with a caveat (like this) and some acknowledgement of the fact that only you are the expert of your life. No amount of training gives someone else the prerogative to "know" what's best for you better than you do.

Again, therapists (at least in my line of training) are taught to have this perspective, but socially people often ascribe to the belief that "It's so much easier to solve someone else's problems from the outside." I imagine we'd agree that's a misconception, an illusion of simplicity. Yet people still fall easily into the mental trap of believing we know better.

In contrast, when a therapist offers a unique perspective from your own, it will be just that, an offering. An observation of another point of view, without bias or pressure to agree. Plus, since we don't share a social circle, the view isn't influenced by outside impressions of what or who you're describing.

I dislike this expression, but I'll use it anyway because it fits: it's like when people say, "I don't have a dog in that fight."

Your therapist is there to support you. Period. And they don't have context or incentive to get wrapped up in anything other than that.

And as supportive and objective as your friends–and this includes your therapist friends!–may be, it's nearly impossible to weed out knowledge and opinions we've already collected.

Another expression comes to mind, and this one, I like: "You can't un-see that."

As a related aside, all of this is also the reason therapists carefully consider whether they can ethically (and objectively) also work with immediate family members or people you're close with.

It can be fun and appropriate to share a therapist with friends or coworkers, but if someone in your life is too close and/or commonly a topic of therapy, it's best not to share the space, so to speak. And your therapist should inform you of this, too!

3) A Difference Between Therapy & Friendship? In Therapy, It's Always Your Turn

In a healthy friendship, there's usually a balance including some sense of mutual give/take, or reciprocity.

In a way that's true in therapy, too, but the "give" on your part as client is to abide by your therapist's policies and pay their fees. That's it. Your obligation is clear, and ends there.

With friends, and especially with family members, there are often a whole lot of unsaid agreements/expectations that go into sharing your personal process and receiving the benefit of their listening ear.

Some such unsaid agreements (AKA "strings attached") that may show up with friends/family are as follows:

• Certain topics are off-limits

• Certain people are off limits (as topics)

• Certain FEELINGS are off limits... you get the idea

• Talking about people may result in the information getting back to them, or to someone who knows them

• You are at least partially responsible for managing the feelings of your listener

• You may be guaranteed a debate or a need to convince your listener of your perspective, rather than being able to have and explore your perspective freely

• There is likely an inherent but unspoken time limit based on your friend/family member's bandwidth or circumstances, and subject to abrupt change

• You may be sharing your listener's attention as they do dishes, manage their children, navigate traffic, etc. during the conversation

• When you're done sharing–and sometimes well before!–you may also listen and make space for the other person, even if you're not in the space to do so, for fear of an imbalance in the relationship

• Finally, what you share may impact your relationship negatively, and depending who you're talking to, you may not ever know what happened. Yikes!

The Difference in Therapy:

• Any topic is on the table–sex, drugs, politics, religion, heck, even rock n' roll ;-)

• You can share openly about any person in your life, past or present, and trust that the information will not hurt anyone or get back to them

• You are never responsible for your therapist's feelings; your therapist takes care of themselves

• All of your opinions, perspectives, feelings and experiences are welcome, without pushback or debate

• There is a clearly stated time limit, which your therapist will manage and inform you of as you near it, to help you prepare to wrap up

• Your therapist's attention is solely on YOU, as much as humanly possible

• If/when a therapist shares something about themselves/their life, it is intentional and with your best interest in mind. AND will have typically passed some kind of internal filtration system where-in the therapist asks themselves before speaking, "Is what I'm about to say beneficial to my client?" And if not, they'll skip it!

• You won't need to worry that what you share will negatively impact your therapist's perspective of you, or the relationship you have. IF something you say brings up feelings for your therapist, a good one will take note, and put it aside to process in their own therapy.
  

4) Therapy is Different than Talking to a Friend because Therapy Requires a Commitment to Conscious, Intentional Time/Space for Your Personal Process–AND Your Therapist Understands the Unconscious

Now we're moving towards the territory where I can imagine a friendly (pun intended) debate coming in, because "You can set aside intentional time/space for uninterrupted personal process with friends, too!"

Which is true... But can we agree, also less likely?

Part of what makes friends friendly is our willingness to make space for one another's changing minds, feelings, plans etc. While there is, of course, some variability here among people, friends and therapists alike; there is something a good therapist accounts for that a good friend most likely does not (back to all those years of training!), and that is the role played by the unconscious.

Brief important side note: the "unconscious" can also be understood in part as the imprint of trauma, large and small, expressed in our actions and behaviors, whether we understand where they're coming from or not. For now I will continue using the larger umbrella term "unconscious," and save gently exploring trauma for another day.

Most of us start therapy at a point in life in which our conscious and unconscious parts are in alignment, in agreement that beginning therapy is a good decision. We consciously assert,"I want ___ ," and our unconscious goes along without objecting (which is clear to us as we proceed with our conscious plan).

When we intentionally decide to stop therapy, it's much the same process–ideally anyway. Our conscious and unconscious parts agree that the intended work is complete, and it's time to wrap up and get on with our lives.

But, if we "choose" to stop somewhere in the middle, without an aligned and knowable sense of why, there's a good chance something has been triggered and unconscious motives are showing up. We might call this "self-sabotage" defined by dictionary.com as: the act or habit of behaving in a way that interferes directly with one's own goals...

This type of abrupt change in plans or behavior can happen in friendships too, although, at least in my experience, friends don't usually call it out. Whereas your therapist is, yes, trained and hopefully also aware that a sudden change of course may be due to something unconscious.

This is actually one reason therapists have closing policies, consistency agreements, and settings for cancellations to be made face-to-face, rather than with the click of a button. These extra steps provide an opportunity for the conscious mind to regain focus and recommit to the path.

Unconscious interference can happen anywhere along the therapeutic process, from contacting a new therapist, to scheduling a consultation, or being several sessions–or even years!–into the work; although over time, this becomes less likely, as trust builds and there is more room for unconscious patterns to safely emerge and be discussed.

When appropriate, your therapist will gently support you in attending to what is coming up and driving the change. And sometimes the face-value explanation (whether it's not enough time, money, or perhaps thinking that talking to a friend would work just as well...) is what it is! But without willingness, an invitation and a safe space that therapy provides to explore the shift, a deeper opportunity can get lost.

Now, lest I *unconsciously* impose some kind of "Therapists know better" or "you should go to therapy" message upon you by mistake, let's conclude this post.

I look forward to continuing the conversation!

Warmly, Tessa